Quicksand.

In quicksand the less you move the slower you sink ,but the faster you move the faster you sink. I feel like I'm in quicksand now. The more I do the faster I sink the less I do nothing happens ,yet I'm still in the sand still sinking. The inevitable end, there are branches too reach out too and pull me out. Why don't I take them?



Because there are thorns ,but I still want the rose to pull me out. I'm still willing to get hurt, as long as have the rose, even if I'm still stuck in the quicksand.

jlkhhhjhjji

the heck is wrong with you?

i'm happy i'm getting away from this place. geez.

-----

mmmm... it's twelve eighteen? by the time I get done writing this it would probably be eh, i don't want to do the math. i don't apologize for the above ,but i do wish i worded it better, i'm not overeacting i think i'm undereacting there's nothing i can do and i think i accept that. been my whole philosophy for the past months can't really change it now. so mineaswell embrace it.

"You gonna' drink?"

Ok.Ok.Ok. So I drank a little.

If God turned water into wine and drank wine at the last supper as a representation of his blood than I don't consider alcohol itself "evil". Of course God created both good and evil and it's how we use wine or alcohol. I guess vodka whatever is made by man using the materials which God created. But it's up to us how we use what he created. Just try and get what I'm saying.

I know my limits. Sorry, I just know someone is going to say something about this.

OHHHH NINE.

YESSSSSS!

It's summer time. I'm relieved, I'm excited I'm alot of things.

thankyouGod. I was so stressed the past two weeks. Beyond stressed.

I probably sprouted grey hairs.  

It's amazing how fast this summer come and how fast the years have gone. I can't believe I'm a junior. Just seeing how much people have changed I've changed and I'm sure we're going to keep changing. For the good or the bad, it's still a "Good Life".

We'll see what summer brings. 

oh really now.

um, wow.

i find it amazing how you can blow a small thing up.

i'm glad i didn't come.

i wonder what else you think of me, or thought of me.

why do i even bother? 

further thoughts:

i should be studying for algebra but i sort of see it as pointless

i'm going to for sure sleep at 2 because that seems to work out.

posting this seems even more pointless.

like really what do you want me to fucking do?

lie to you?

or would you rather me not say anything?

because the more honest i get the more ehhhhh.

honesty killed the cat. 

"Quit Playing Games With MY Heart"

^Does anyone remember that song? I miss those 90's cheesy love songs. 

Starting at 10:30 I finished:

-The whole bio project by myself why? because i'm an idiot.

-Essay for English

-The DNA lab which I redid.

All I need to do is study for the Spanish final which I just realized is probably on Tuesday considering Jp's is tuesday if not, than well, i'm screwed. 

"Take It All"

With all the stress of losing the house, my grades, finals I find myself coming back to God.  I feel a bit ashamed because I've realized that I only pray when I need something and rarely to thank him. He's gotten my Dad and Me through alot.   He's opened up this new youth group when I thought the end of Sunset was the end.  He's let me meet more people who are dedicated and they've shown me what I've been lacking.  The things that have been happening are proof that this verse is true:

"Ask, and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you"

-Matthew 7:7

I'm not trying to put up a front and say "I'm all biblical and I'm a great person" blah blah because I know I'm not.  I've never said that. Nor do I think I try to say I'm the best Christian ever. Because the fact is I'm far from that. It's not even about a label of "Christian" as God said, "We walk by faith not by sight" 

It's by our faith we our saved! That's why I don't even like to say oh I'm from a Baptist Church Pentacostal etc. because  the truth is it's our commitment to him our faith in God. 

 I don't follow God's word alot to be honest. I've pushed him aside. I guess it always go back to that thing like with the saying about parents, the reason we are so comfortable with yelling at them is because we know they'll always forgive us in the end.  I've been thinking of God that way. 

yet again.

i find myself at the same place, again.

i've said it before i'd rather just apologize and resolve conflict.

now it seems pointless. because no good comes out of it, in a sense.

yeah, you get along again ,but after that what's left? 

ACKKKKKKKKKK.

I AM SO STRESSED.

Yes, obnoxious captialization is necessary.

My grades need to get up.

I'm scared to talk to some of my teachers.

Let's just pray everything will be alright.

Oh, that new blogspot.. 

Link later?

also, i've come to an understanding.

a huge understanding. 

can i just say, sorry.  okay i keep editing this ,but it would look stupid to put

EDIT:: EDIT: EDIT: can i just say i realize what i do, most of the time. i see how you feel now. i know i should be putting "I dont realize" than i'd be lying if i did. i see it hurts you. 

and another thing. who the heck reads my blogspot???

the randomest person like someone completely out of the blue and btw, why do people say outta' the "Blue"? what does blue represent? anyways _____ came up to me like a couple months ago and said something about one of my blogs and i was just a bit surprised.

Fresh water.

New blogspot.

ask if you want, although your probably going to find it anyways.

i don't want to go to school tomorrow. eck. 

RIP.

No. No one died. R.I.P to the past. 

I was skimming through my old blogs and another blog and realized how much life has changed, how much people changed. In such a short span of time. Amazing how much a couple months can do.  Just food for thought.

Your cup is dosen't even exist.

^ if you got the title. kudos to you.

i shouldn't have even signed on to myspace knowing that probably only two people are going to be online at 2 in the morning. than what fabulous thing do i discover. i honestly tried ,but oh sorry that.i was...whatever. i'm not even going to talk about because i know it's only going to make things worse and some people don't change.  i got home at 4am last night and 2am today so i'm basically a zombie right now. 

the security guard at cache creek was oh so sweet. i swear its the same security guard from last time.

the party was pretty funny, to say the least excluding the fact that dad woke me up at nine at night mind you to go to the party. i was totally confused ,but just went anyways because i wanted to see the house. there wasn't much people left so the pool table was open. yesss.

wow, thats the most detail i've put into my blogs about my day in a while. =x

Ouch.

Thanks for picking it up and just dropping it.

I thought I was finally..

I guess we'll never cross point.

I actually that it was real. Thought I broke in, guess it's never gonna' happen.

Better than nothing?

 

Trust.

I'm putting my trust in God, at least I'm trying.

I'm really trying to turn it around.  God knows what. I know I'm not giving my all ,but God has gotten me and my Dad through some huge hurdles and I know he's going to let everything work out. I'm trying to remember that. 

Youth has helped alot. I miss Surefire ,but I don't think we were really learning it's sad to say ,but it didn't really change me. I know this is where I have to be. 

I'm really hoping that school will work out is it dishonest? I think God will understand if I have to do what I have to do. I hope. I'm looking forward to summer though:

-Seattle

-Canada? 

-GreatAmerica. (We better go before Mel leaves. Hehe [; )

-Cheer Camp.

-Actually practicing. Fuhreaals this time.

-And what I'm dreading the most, moving. We don't know when their gonna' kick us out. 

Like OR As.

SIMILES.

METAPHORS.

This boggles my tiny teenage mind.  During english class Vargas asked us to define a metaphor and it's one thing that is compared to another thing NOT using like or as.  Why am I going on about this?  I now realize that I have trouble making metaphors.  Like why does it even make a difference? Isn't it the same thing? She is like a rose. She is a rose.  Dosen't that convey the same message? I sat there dumfounded when he then asked us to make a metaphor. Point is rose is a rose! Beautiful ,but could still hurt you with it's thorns. So why does it make a difference if you use like or as if they embody the same thing? 

Off that extremely random note,

I guess the point was taken ,but some of the lead hasn't hit the paper yet.

HappyMothersDay.

At GreatMall TitaVick said, "You're exposed to so many things, but that only makes you stronger". 

The whole when another thing closes another open thing, has basically come to life for me. I've been thinking about how all these bad events happen and another thing seems to take it's place.

My faith has been more than lackluster and I realize that I need to get back on track. It's God who's been placing the track for me ,but it's up to me to follow it.

You have got to be kidding me.

"Smile".

Happy May. I think it's a month 'till break? 

It's been quite awhile. Still don't know why I'm awake at 2 a.m. considering what happened this morning. That was a pretty bad fight.

I don't think *He realizes how big a situation has been created.  No, it's not the same. It's completely different. Waaay different.  I'm not completely mad about the whole thing, looking at this optimisticly maybe some good will come out of it ,but right now all it's doing is hurting.

*aha just for clarification

But I'm not tripping, still blessed.

Circles

"They say if you love something let it go, And if it comes back then that's how you know, the further I go the closer I get back to you"

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.  I know I should just forget about it. It's just that, I can't. The more he pushes the more I want you. 

Thinking of You.

I actually watched the whole video for that song. It hit me. Never thought I'd be crying because of a Katy Perry song. The lyrics are so raw everything I feel, what I want to say, but can't. The whole meaning the whole concept, is wow. It's not just one of those pop songs or even a sappy R&B one. There's something about it. If you could take how I feel or will even feel this song personifys it. Damn.

"Comparisons are easily done 

Once you've had a taste of perfection

Like an apple hanging from a tree

I picked the ripest one 

But still got the seed..

I guess second best is all I will know..

Cause' when I'm with him 

I'm thinking of you..

He kissed my lips

I taste your mouth

He pulled me in

I was disgusted with myself."

that's why it'll never happen.

Gravity

i kept this in my drafts.

thought about if i should put it up. then i realized why am i even questioning it? it's honest. open.

what i find perplexing is someone questions why they are always in a certain position or why they don't find life what they want to be in a sense or why they are never "happy."

honestly, it's been frustrating.

the way i been looking at life this past break has changed.

the more negative we become the less we are able to focus on what good we have now whatever that may be.

life has basically been, Stess. BIG stress. the type of stress that i haven't made clear to anyone except for my Dad because he knows where it's coming from and is the only one who can truly understand.

my whole meeting with Ms.Yambao helped me, loads.

she pointed out that stressing about something does harm, not any good.

i've basically blocked stress out of my life, she's helped me see that instead of stressing i could just relax and find the solution to what i'm stressing for, or just completely forget about it.

this break i surrounded myself with more "positivity" in a sense.

and ignored the negative around me, or at least tried.

the issue is, i can't get rid of it, in a way..,but deal with it.

but thats what i've come to see what life is all about dealing with "it" whatever "it" may be person,situation,anything. 

these months made me see that i can't rely on people to be there always, or at all.

and to be honest, it dosen't seem like people care, except for their...

but i know that people deal with things different ways and i accept that.

that's why i've seen that taking on a new way at viewing things makes everything seem easier even if it really isn't.

Basically. i'm just gonna' "get back up when it knocks me down" [=

itsamazing.

timing. oh so perfect timing.

i was terribly sick this morning. 

not even kidding. my fever kept going up and down.

i ended up missing Desiree's birthday thing.

damnit. it wasn't till four something ,but the doctor said i really need to rest.

some virus going around.

but i'm still remaining positive. 

part of what i promised myself i would do a while back.

no sense worrying. there's still alot of time, for everything.

spring break's still been good.

i think i should feel better tomorrow, Dad says we might go somewhere on Thursday or Friday

i've been surrounded with more positivity and it feels good.

i hope it actually happens today ended up being bad ,but everything happens for a reason right?

The Beginning of SpringBreak.

Imma' make this short. SpringBreak has been soooo good. It's actually GREAT.

These past three days have been better then my whole crap of the past months.

Still remaining positive because life is beautiful.

RamenGirl

SO, It's been a while. To say the least, well in rachel blog periods it has. I'm gonna' make everything short and simple for the sake of my own sanity and leaving out the details 'cuz who really cares? A. Youthgroup ended. Crying. Good-bying. It's all good though guess it had to happen. If it ever even comes back how many years from now just hope I'll be available. B. Obsessed with an OLD love. people needa' get that straight. not really "obsessed" just you know. C. stupidimmaturebleh. that guy. done. D. grades are pulling up in math and history just a couple subjects to go. E. I know your getting tired of the letters ,but a fat-ass paragraph won't be any different.  F. for finally got Bioshock not even gonna' touch it yet though imma' do one huge playthrough hard to resist though. G. i really need to tell whatever. sending out vibes is not working. 

End Of The Road

perfect. what else. this happened.

the one thing i had left, the thing i always had to look forward too.

even if i had a total shit of a week i had that to hold on too.

keep me going.

i'm gonna' miss everything

its youthgroup that's kept me sane.

it's all effing over.

Welcome Choice C

Ode' the joy of Choice C. The beautiful middle ground between A and B.

At Tita's house while CeeCee pushes the buttons so I'll make this quick *ouch just got smacked in the head. I taught them well love these babies. Just wish I was a little bit older so I can drive their little butts around and spoil these cuties.

Good day today it was beautiful weather at the Metro. Got the OrangeBox. Finally I'm late at everything I want Bioshock so bad though. I know, I know, I should of gotten it a looooong time ago. Gonna' game on the big screen now that means not much myspace or aim anymore ,but I'm cool with that. Having my face plastered in a screen of high-def goodnesse if good with me. Not sure though I might not move everything to the living room ,but we'll see how this works out.

Gonna' go after this. CeeCee says,"muaw". [=

should i.

that's not really a question. notice the lack of the question mark.

i was thinking about making a new blogspot ,but this blog embodies perhaps some of the biggest changes that have ever occurred in my life.

i said a while back I wanted to make these more "honest" less backspaced ,yet theirs this big, actually gigantic wall that prevents me from that, common sense of course.

i was just flipping through my old blogs and i notice how i got so close to being specific ,but then again if i did i got scared of being to open then theirs the bad side of things getting misconstrued

so then i basically summed up blogspot in my head things can go two ways or three:

A. Become really open ,but risk your whole life just being splattered for all too see

B. Become to closed and then have people totally misconstrue the whole thing

or C. *there's no C.  just thought the whole A. B. C. thing wouldn't be complete without it

yea, i'm writing in a different style there it is again though the fact that one must justify at times what one does on damn blogspot

i think you get my point.

i'm stuck between A. and B. 

i've realized that I can't do blogspot the normal way. i've tried it and it just dosen't work.

i can't talk about every thing i did that was important that day, or even anything that was important. 

i'd like to talk about what thoughts go about in my fucked up mind, prepare to see choice C. 

$29.99

I agree, "Silence is golden" just need to add something..."once you beat their ass." Aha. Loveyoutree. Just backspaced a whole blog.

Went to Tanfuran with Jackie suppose to meet up Becky. Strange twist of events real stressful hour so many damn calls ,but it's all good.  We were gonna' go to Portola and go bowling ,but turns out it was an all boys event. Jackie would of enjoyed it though. Muawhaha.

So when we got to Tanforan Becky wasn't there so were in trouble on Friday. xD

'Cause we got there um, an hour late. Dad got lost. 

Checked out some "merchandise". And some creepy dude at BurgerKing...K not going there.

On a another note ".." finally asked. For, "...". 

Surprised it took him that long. 

AHAHAHHHAHAH.

Wow...To edit later.  Jealous bitch.

Yesterday Night. 12 A.M.

Youthgroup last night was good. We were all together after so long. Daniel English came to speak not the kind of guy I was expecting, he was real down to earth and just real and casual. I ended up crying when we were praying. If you been actually reading these blogs then you know lifes tough for me right now so I ended up crying still didn't completely let it go though. It would be to much. I looked terrible ,but that's not the point. What he was saying really touched home. I don't remember much of what he said ,but what I do remember is it felt like he was talking to me. I've realized I've built this these hard walls like he said, the "im not gonna' cry" kind of attitude. Still couldn't let it all go I came close though. I think I got that I need to be more open not hard, I need to find that balance.

After the service was insane though! ManilaMarket, boob touching, sneaking in boys restroom. I haven't had so many laughs in one night like that for so long. I really miss and love these guys no matter how much they poke fun at how many times I trip. 

I just wish that we spent more time with each other. Miss you homeskillets.

I'm a Failure.

and i can back it up too.

guess what? 3 F's on the report card. Bio F, P.E. F , World History F.

who knows about everything else.

i'm losing it. big time. i probably have four F's. Hopefully my Dad dosen't open it I actually hope she gets it. See how she's affecting me. It's my fault. But she plays a big fucking part.

oh and you.

attraction is fatal.

can't take me away

emotional day. all imma' say they can't take me away. we are not backing down. i won't allow him to get stepped on. oh and why'd i delete my last blog? i felt high while writing it i kept the other one. the onlly one that really mattered.

found out something big today. huge.
hopefully everything turns out right.
she can't use that against us.
because it's all lies.
fucking lies.
her plan is unfolding in front of our eyes.

i hold the key and i'm not planning on losing it or me.

It's too late.

I'm not shocked, I'm actually laughing at this. Guess who I got a miss call from? If you know me then you know who. I'm thinking it was an accident ,but then again I never put myself on speed dial. I'm not literally laughing ,but I find this ,well I don't know how to put it. I can't type much my nails are drying I'll post pics up later. Need to buy topcoat so I gotta be real careful with them today. Anyways whoa can't believe I digressed when I got a serious phone call. Actually I can wait can it even be serious? I'm just gonna' deem this as an accident. But if it isn't I'm just gonna' express this the best way I can, "Fuck you". How can you even call? Shit if I actually didn't have my phone on silent I would of heard the call picked up and say," I don't even wanna' see you, talk to you, be with you after all this" Dammnit. The one day I forget my phone. I'm angry ,but sensible. I just know I can't handle even being in the same room as "them". Yes, I'm deeming them as "them". When the time comes, Justice better prevail. KARMA is what she's gonna' get. And hell if the world ain't given it to her now one day it will. I think I have every right to feel this way so don't just take this as an angry rant. Saying how I feel. Really feel. I really don't want to see her again. I don't want to hug her I don't want to talk to her I don't want anything to do with her, oh wait that'll be easy right since we have a FUCKING RESTRAINING ORDER. I don't understand justice right now how twisted the world is actually the people who make up the world. I know who to trust now. And I'm actually way happier without you. So don't even come near me. But that won't be so hard considering it's what YOU fucking want. Because you started all this. I know she's never gonna' read this ,but this is how I feel. But I will never say ALL this to her face ,but damn if she does one more thing I will. But you know why I won't say all that now? Because I have the logic that you lack the understanding that you never gave us. But all we gave you. Sorry but it's really too late to apologize. I feel twisted, but I want her to suffer for all this injustice. I can't even call you, "....."

Fuddruckers.

Just got back from Fudruckers. Went at 8 with Jackdizzle. Big relief seeing her. Talked on the phone for hours even though she was only suppose to be on for ten minutes. Best two days this week. Really saved the rest of the crap I've gone through these past five days. Silver lining is in the skies. Rain won't get me down.

Still worried. But I need to look to higher beings right now too keep level. I've been neglecting that. Big time. I'm losing faith ,but I know somethings there.

^Haven't worn eyeshadow in forever. You like? Aha.

Best Day Ever, This Week.

This week has been a majority, terrible. I didn't sleep one night, slept a couple hours another, and the rest left me trying to fall asleep stressed. And I'm still stressed. I thought this week would be shit ,but this day saved it. Went to California Academy of Science with Ate Grace, Kuya Jojo, CeeCee and Boogie. There was HELLA people not even exaggerating. The most people I've seen in one place ever. Every two steps you'd run into somebody. After that went to Manila Market. Yes, Dominic I didn't get run over by filipinos then Target ,but I stayed in the car the whole time then to Tita Vicks then went to Best Buy then GameStop back to BestBuy. Details take to long or because I'm exhausted.

I'm still worried not as much I don't feel like their taking this situation serious enough.

School is gonna' screw me up. I feel like an insonmiac. Whatever way it's spelled.

Oh, the one big thing. She imed two days ago. Didn't talk about because I think I came off like a bitch. I don't know why I basically shushed her off. I've missed her alot ,but for some reason I'm mad. Probably because the lack of something from her. I don't have a reason too be mad though I don't think I'm mad I'm just frustrated. It's hard to describe. Then she imed me yesterday telling me to call. I tried I did. Then I got this response. She dosen't know I know something. But right now I don't wanna' deal with it.

Fucked.

I don't even know what to say. Everything is complete bullshit. I'm scared and worried ,but I'll find peace somewhere. I find it to be a real perplexing thought of when the lamb becomes the lion. Like a wolf in sheeps clothing or to be more specific women's clothing. Deep down. I knew this would happen just not to this extent. I've lost all my trust for them and they do not deserve it.

Halfway Through.

I'm ALMOST done. Almost is key. Actually it's the bare minimum to beat the whole thing ,but at this point I'm just trying to get this over with. Break is going by fast and not as relaxing as I expected. But hey at least I could get one thing done. 

I swear sometimes I just wanna' butterknife this bitch.

Hey, New term "butter-knife this bitch"

Catchy. 

3A.M.

Just realized. That. I don't have a plan for this week. My last blogs have been so personal time to have something more light-hearted. I love that term for some reason "light-hearted". Makes me think of floaty things. My priority is too beat galaxy. . Because *SOMEONE. Keeps asking about it. Aha. And I'm not gonna' lie. Just got done playing four hours straight no joke. I think I unlocked a gazillion galaxies.  Then finish SPM and H. I'm too lazy to write out names. Although I just took time to type out the last part. Eh.

The thing about public blogs is you can't really put names so when it's involving multiple people of the same gender it gets confusing, but then again I guess if your having people read it and not want them to know who it is its better off if they don't understand. Just pondering my last blog. Still could bring up alot of Misconceptions again. But hey, if I'm gonna' look back at this mine as well be slightly revealing. Details wise. 

Sad though. I don't have anyone to tell right now about those people because of the disappearance. That's what I'll call it. Well I do. But it's never seemed to be in the norm of our relationships.

I fucking miss you. Seriously. You really know who you are. 

Push

Keep pushing me and I just may fall of the edge.

Boooy. You just keep pushing it huh? I don't know. He's really starting to get to me, even more. But I know there's someone else ,but He percieves me differently . It's too late now. but then again I know how he thinks of me the wrong way because of stupid rumors. Not really rumors. But misconceptions. A BIG misconception I just wonder what could of happened ,but then I again I know what happened. This is what happened. I just know we might of worked out ,but my life is just too screwed up for him. Although I know of all people He would understand the most. It's my fault though...I should of pushed it more. It's just hard to approach in that situation. I keep repeating myself. Just like fake bags this guy right now is a knock-off of the first. It may look good ,but it will never feel like the original.

Metamorphosis

metamorphosis [met-a-more-foss-is, -seez]

Noun

pl -ses

1. a complete change of physical form or substance

2. a complete change of character or appearance

3. Zool the change of form that accompanies transformation into an adult in certain animals, for example the butterfly or frog [Greek: transformation, frommeta after + morphē form]

I feel like that's my life right now a metamorphosis in a sense. I'm changing. For the better. At least that's what I hope. I'm understanding, seeing, believing what I've been blocking out for now. I'm facing the truth. Optimism is what I'm grasping. I'm need to open up more in these blogs. I think that's part of my change. I always put that smile on for people ,but break down all at once. When I have problems I've realized what I do. I don't like to talk about them. Then when I do I tell people all at once and make it hard for them too handle. I guess I'm the same as my Dad. We'd rather not talk about the problem 'till it gets so bad we have too. I still don't know how to balance telling people what's going on or keeping it inside. I don't think I'm being dishonest ,but at the same time just leaving my problems to myself to deal with gets to me sometimes.I guess I like to lie, to myself. When I don't talk about my problems I sort of forget what's really going on. Taking on Vices help me cope. I've realized in the past weeks what type of person I am. 

So on a less serious note. This one guy is getting to me. I don't know what the hell I'm thinking. Am I falling for him? Shit. I don't know. We have so much in common. And I told SO MANY people that I wouldn't. He's not necessarily my "Type" ,but it seems like he's getting there.  I don't know. To think about we'd really relate. In so many things. I'm being shallow. But I keep thinking I can still have those others.. Maybe if he wasn't such a okay I'll just say it, a girl. Emotionally. He's immature. Maybe he's deep and I'm calling it immature. It's possible for someone to feel so much? Do I look for unemotional guys? Fuckk.

Then the other guy. I don't even know how to feel. He's so unattached. You can't go through my friends to get to me. Imma' tell you that now. I like upfront. But I'm holding back. I just don't know how to approach.

Too much is going on. I don't even wanna' say the other thing. 

i really opened up in this one.. just hope people don't take it the wrong way.

.

i don't know what to say.

I MADE A MISTAKE.

One time I went CRAZY.

Fucking crazy.

One recording.

That one time.

I sounded like a demon bitch

BUT WHY.

BECAUSE IT'S JUSTIFIABLE.

All she did.

Worst part is.

I don't know what to say when I go to court.

I gotta' talk to my Dad.

Get my case together. 

List everything she did to us.

The court won't see it that way.

The poor disabled lady "verbally abused" by her husband and kids.

BULLSHIT.

Tito and Tita? No. 

I don't know what to call them.

I don't have respect? Your telling me that?

Have you looked at both sides. NO.

Don't even look at me at court.

EDIT: Thankyou Treee. I know I already said it.

But without you I'd be going crazy right now.

Thanks for the support. loveyou.

Silver Lining.

I'm starting to see the SilverLining in the clouds.  Many, many, many clouds. I'm behind in my work ,but at this point I don't feel it. I will soon. Math grades. Bio Grades. Ohh geez, History Grades. Just too many clouds. 

But the whole "Every cloud has a silver lining" thing I'm starting to finally get. I think these times of trials bring us closer. That one thing he said is getting to me big time. My mistake. I know I did wrong. Big Time. But I know inside I'm a good person. Really. But it dosen't seem that way.

I'm learning to appreciate my silver linings, family. REAL family.

SICK.

Tummy does NOT feel good. Not one bit. I'm dizzy. Blah

Felt like this last night didn't think it would last till' morning. 

Even better I needa' get another filling.

Great to know you care. =p

Good part of the day? Got some more Jollibee. Terrific cholesterol.

really?

i have a weakness. i know it's wrong. jacki told me it's wrong. i know she's right.

but revenge is sweet until your ass gets whooped.

wow i gotta' watch the language. 

i've been infected.

i just hope i don't fall in my own game.

February

Month of Change. Definetely. Don't have damn internet. Started yesterday came home super excited to go on Live. Then our effing modem is GONE. First she takes the cable boxes didn't hurt so much ,but the internet? You got to be kidding me. Then when I call Comcast they say that were scheduled to have everything turned off! Phone, Cable and Internet. Because of her. She thinks 'cause it's under her name that she has a right too? NO. Because dad was the one giving her checks to pay for it. So now I have to wait till' thursday for everything to get reinstalled because she scheduled for it to get disconnected on effing thursday. NO LIVE. Is what hurts the most. NO LIVE. NO LIVE. NO LIVE. I could use tita's internet and myspace shit. But no LIVE. Hurts. Sorry for capitalizing live so much. I'm just so pissed. She couldn't have just left the boxes and turn off the internet. She had to take them YESTERDAY when their turning everything off on THURSDAY. End of the long ass straw we gave her.

EDIT: ouch. too add to my pain just found out yeahh, has a girlfriend. didn't care to much. thought i didn't care to muuch. just keep on adding to my effing life. eck =[

dear.

I'd say I love you.

But I'd be lying.

I would cry.

But I don't have tears for crying.

It's hard the road is cold.

But I gotta' keep my head up 

That's what Daddy told.

Shoulda' seen it coming.

But I kept a blind eye.

Kept my head up in the skies.

I refuse to admit.

Numb to reality.

Still got me questioning.

Momma' do you love me?

I know the answer.

Refuse to accept the truth.

Turned a gentle heart into a brute.

Wondering how'd we get this far.

Shoulda' tried harder.

But never met your bar.

I didn't get through.

Still wonder what else I needed to do.

I wanna' miss you.

But anger makes it easier to cope.

Easier to hold on to pain then to hope.

...

Sad Day. Thankyou for getting me through it. I don't know what's going to happen in the next weeks. Or days. I have a feeling I hope it's not true.

Gettin' My Chub On.

I AM FAT. Yeeeee.

"I Know"

"I know you do... But I've told you everything about me"

I've been making all these short blogs lately. Sentences basically. These feel better. Help me keep from saying things I'm going to regret. I put less thought into these blogs so there more honest. Did you notice when you say something without thinking or make a decision quick it's usually what you really wanted to do? It's like when you think too much more of your mind and logic takes over.  These blogs make me feel this way. I've been hitting backspace to much. 

I've talked to Jacki today. Said what I needed to say. Almost all of what I needed to say. My heart took over my mind after mindless physcology. Hopefully tomorrow will bring what I need to say.

Friddayy.

Won't go into details don't talk about Fridays on here or Much about my personal life rather discuss it with TheBest. All I can say is

I'm happy again because of You. <3

Blahhhh.

Enough "H's?" Just finished studying for History. Excited for tomorrow. Get to meet someone. Ok, this does not sound so enthusiastic.  Where am I going with this? I don't know. Glad everything is ok again between me and yeah. Actually, Nothing was technically wrong that she knew of. I just still wish she would tell me. Maybe she'll eventually admit it? Oh well. After hours of conversation I forgot about the whole thing. It remained in the back of my mind though. Still love her crazy ass. Haha. Still have problems with someone ,but I honestly don't have anything against it ,but it's starting to get to me.

               Highlight of the day was NOOBTOOB replied to one of my comments! I love em' watch them addictively. Sadly I didn't notice that they even replied they replied on Tuesday and I just noticed now darn youtube didn't place my reply in the right spot though. I'm going to send in a video to get it on the show. I'd die of happyness if that happened. Gotta' think of something interesting to get me o the show.

Ten' O Clock.

These past two days have been trippy.  I've felt like I'm sleeping ,but walking not like a zombie just really out of it especially today. Since it was rainy I was falling asleep during sixth period well into Obama's Acceptance Speech.  It was good ,but rain falling, dark room just did the trick. I don't know if I'm swimming tomorrow. Goodness, this blog is boring. Just needed to keep my mind away from laundry. Errr. Off to play galaxy now. I will beat it Kevin. Mark my words [;

^I still need to take more pictures of my fatness

Tomorrow is the Day

"There is not a liberal America and a conservative America - there is the United States of America.  There is not a black America and a white America and a latino America or Asian America - there's the United States of America"- Barack Obama

Ehh, I had to delete some stuff. No particular reason. Just because I figured out by the end of the month I'll have too much randomn shizz. 

Tomorrows a big day Inauguration Day. First time I've been really interested in Politics. Big Day for alot of people even if it wasn't for ourselves it's a big day for everyone.  Empowering ,yet scary. I only hope Obama lives up to his word I know he can't do everything ,but fo rhis sake I hope our country improves.

*Edit: Haha, I noticed alot of blogs are a day off because I'd post them at like 3a.m. and i'd be talking about well you get it. 

Stealin' Posters

"I dare you to steal the little advertisement thingy"

Ok, These two days have been the best. Not ever. But best this month.

Went to the movies watched Bride Wars. It was an ok movie. I should try taking a bath with lemon slices. Me and Jacky went sort of crazy. Swear, people thought we were high. Fudruckers ended up laughing being to the point where we couldn't eat our sliders. I ended up ordering 9 sliders till' Jacki corrected me. Laughed the whole night. Cried a bit. Attempted to steal Fudrucker Ketchup. Evaded pervy boys. Evaded more pervy boys. Wish the whole week was like this.

*Oh and I need to take pictures more. 

LaLaLaLa. [=

I'm happy, fully happy.

 I haven't said that inna' a while. I know I'll only feel like this for a bit ,but I'm gonna' ride the high while it last. Yeah, It's because of you.<3

Ooops. More like "Oh shit"

Huston, Rachel has made a problem

I'll try to respect every decision you make, seriously. I just don't want you to get fucking hurt.

Well I've explained myself already to you, you know how I see it homie just keep yourself safe, K?

Love you. You know it. Just think your getting caught up ya' know? I know your gonna' read this so thought I'd solidify it with a blog right? 

I've realized that sometimes I look for things to get angry about or be a bit mad about to distract me from what's really going on.  Then when I finally find something I'll get mad for a bit, then get mad more, hold on then let it go *most of the time. I'm not mad anymore though just wish you'd admit it haha, it'd be better if we'd talked about it. It probably turned out funny instead of me attempting to get you to admit yeah. yeah. yeah.

I'm struggling to keep my composure sometimes, not on the outside ,but inside. I think too much. Like earlier me and mom saw some starbucks cup sitting on the shelf at Tanfuran I thought about how it could be pee, then if someone picked it up and sipped it what if it had a disease, would they die? what if they didn't have insurance? why is the government so fucked up? then it pretty much went on from there. Ok, Not to that extent ,but you get the point. Other people just perplex the hell out of me. Wait not perplex. I think I sort of understand.

I understand it ,but I don't agree with it. Holding on to things just brings you more bullshit. I know that for a fact. Grudges. Exactly why the horror movie was named that. Grudges can turn life into horror movies. Just minus the spewing guts and a girl crawling out of a television. But again in the words of Jacki "I ain't trippin' ". 

*EDIT: You know what. Fuck Composure. Blogs are about whatever.So fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. I think I have the right to "trip" a bit. I'll stay out of whatever for now. I'm just bringing you so much bullshit right?

Bestfriends are like Babies.

New metaphor. Ready? Actually, Rachel-phor. Love you Tree. I've been stalking your blogspot been on there a million times waiting for a new post haha. I'm nosy [;

Bestfriends are like Babies. They can be sweet and innocent, but go to them at the wrong time and they'll shit all over you.

*yes i fucking made that up. Rachelphor-NumerDos

FrontofMyBackStabber or Stabbers?

Aye, Bitch. Hello there, I would like you to meet my hand.

These past days have been hectic. Haven't been to school in three days. Already technically missed four days in P.E. 'cause my stomach is being a major pain in the neck or stomach? I figured out I can't blog everyday. That would be just too much to go through. Currently I'm pissed, angry, confused all within the same negative-ass catergory. SOMEONE. Who I know dosen't read these blogs ,but I haven't even figured how blogspot works is going behind my back and talking about me. I don't mean to be a bitch and complain about it on blogspot 'cause I know I sound like one right? Fabulous. Sheer fabulousness.

I think it's funny how you pretend to ask me something just 'cause your "wondering" when I clearly know what your doing. It's not what your doing ,but more of WHO you are. At least who I thought you WERE. 

SuperMarioGalaxy.

Extreme want for this game to the point where I need to blog about it. I know I'm super late on this. Very late. About two years late ,but there's no time like the present to smash my face in front of a tv screen for a good twenty hours right? 

Quick side note *I know I've told so many people this before ,but any one notice the secret message U Are Mr Gay? I still find that placement very clever [;

The Butt-Load System

So I basically screwed my New Years Resolution up already. So let's call this the first day of the Blogging "resolution" to blog at least every other day.  Nothing very exciting happened yesterday ,but for the sake of my memories I'll blog about today and yesterday. I know "exciting" right?

Yesterday (Thursday) I went to with Dad to Tita Vick's House to drop her off to the Airport to go off to the Homeland.  We  finally after 20 minutes of stuffing cholesterol grade burgers down our throats, brought her to the gate.  I realized how much stricter the airports are getting no joke they took away the damn plastic bag. What the hell was Tita gonna' do with a damn plastic bag? Suffocate the person behind her for kicking her chair? Seriously. 

Now on Viernes. I don't think I spelled that right. Today was quite substantial compared to yesterday where the majority of my day was left pondering on how a Plastic Bag could be such a deadly weapon. CeeCee is in the hospital because of Asthma. Eeeks, Asthma. I remember asthma, mine comes occasionally just after running ,but not compared to her. I hope she grows out of it. Me and dad bought pizza at dominoes. This is really out of order.  Then when we were actualy in the hospital me and dad spent a buttload of minutes haha, "buttload" I don't even think that's an accurate measuring system or is it? Could you imagine "Chubbybuttload", "Anorexic-Buttload" and "Cakelover-Buttload".? Well we spent a "Flabby-Arm Buttload" of time searching for the room.

Feel better Baby 

2008 Year of the Slinky

Wth slinky? What does a slinky have to do with 2008? This chicks crazy...

Okay so that was my possibly accurate guess at what the heck was going through your mind when you read the title. Thanks to English Class I'm starting to like using metaphors (rachel-isms in Audrey terms) in regular conversations which at times may annoy the hell out of people because they now have to think of what the heck I was talking about like how mash potatoes is like breaking up. Any guesses?

Back to why Slinkys have anything to do with 2008. Remember slinkys? Let's take a flashback to our childhood when we would attempt to make those little metal coils tumble down the stairs only to get frustrated and end up stretching it with our hands till were left with just a bent piece of twisted metal. Or the plastic ones that you could get at Chucky-Cheese. It's basically the same theory. My 2008 was like a Slinky because I went through my ups and downs. Down that ugly brown staircase of life. 

I'd like to think of the Slinky as more of me. I got stretched out so much this year. You know how when you were little you'd pull a slinky and it would go back into place ,but be just a little disformed ,then you'd pull it more and more until it just wouldn't snap back. I feel like thats me. I got pulled a little ,but I always came back. Pulled a little more came back ,but now I'm pulled farther from what I'd consider sanity. I used this slinky-ism because if I were too blog about what in 2008 caused me to become a Stretched-Out Slinky then it would be 2010 by the time I finished.

The start of 2009 is the start of a new "Slinky". Let's just hope my Slinky this year will be able to snap back.