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I agree, "Silence is golden" just need to add something..."once you beat their ass." Aha. Loveyoutree. Just backspaced a whole blog.

Went to Tanfuran with Jackie suppose to meet up Becky. Strange twist of events real stressful hour so many damn calls ,but it's all good.  We were gonna' go to Portola and go bowling ,but turns out it was an all boys event. Jackie would of enjoyed it though. Muawhaha.

So when we got to Tanforan Becky wasn't there so were in trouble on Friday. xD

'Cause we got there um, an hour late. Dad got lost. 

Checked out some "merchandise". And some creepy dude at BurgerKing...K not going there.

On a another note ".." finally asked. For, "...". 

Surprised it took him that long. 

AHAHAHHHAHAH.

Wow...To edit later.  Jealous bitch.

Yesterday Night. 12 A.M.

Youthgroup last night was good. We were all together after so long. Daniel English came to speak not the kind of guy I was expecting, he was real down to earth and just real and casual. I ended up crying when we were praying. If you been actually reading these blogs then you know lifes tough for me right now so I ended up crying still didn't completely let it go though. It would be to much. I looked terrible ,but that's not the point. What he was saying really touched home. I don't remember much of what he said ,but what I do remember is it felt like he was talking to me. I've realized I've built this these hard walls like he said, the "im not gonna' cry" kind of attitude. Still couldn't let it all go I came close though. I think I got that I need to be more open not hard, I need to find that balance.

After the service was insane though! ManilaMarket, boob touching, sneaking in boys restroom. I haven't had so many laughs in one night like that for so long. I really miss and love these guys no matter how much they poke fun at how many times I trip. 

I just wish that we spent more time with each other. Miss you homeskillets.

I'm a Failure.

and i can back it up too.

guess what? 3 F's on the report card. Bio F, P.E. F , World History F.

who knows about everything else.

i'm losing it. big time. i probably have four F's. Hopefully my Dad dosen't open it I actually hope she gets it. See how she's affecting me. It's my fault. But she plays a big fucking part.

oh and you.

attraction is fatal.

can't take me away

emotional day. all imma' say they can't take me away. we are not backing down. i won't allow him to get stepped on. oh and why'd i delete my last blog? i felt high while writing it i kept the other one. the onlly one that really mattered.

found out something big today. huge.
hopefully everything turns out right.
she can't use that against us.
because it's all lies.
fucking lies.
her plan is unfolding in front of our eyes.

i hold the key and i'm not planning on losing it or me.

It's too late.

I'm not shocked, I'm actually laughing at this. Guess who I got a miss call from? If you know me then you know who. I'm thinking it was an accident ,but then again I never put myself on speed dial. I'm not literally laughing ,but I find this ,well I don't know how to put it. I can't type much my nails are drying I'll post pics up later. Need to buy topcoat so I gotta be real careful with them today. Anyways whoa can't believe I digressed when I got a serious phone call. Actually I can wait can it even be serious? I'm just gonna' deem this as an accident. But if it isn't I'm just gonna' express this the best way I can, "Fuck you". How can you even call? Shit if I actually didn't have my phone on silent I would of heard the call picked up and say," I don't even wanna' see you, talk to you, be with you after all this" Dammnit. The one day I forget my phone. I'm angry ,but sensible. I just know I can't handle even being in the same room as "them". Yes, I'm deeming them as "them". When the time comes, Justice better prevail. KARMA is what she's gonna' get. And hell if the world ain't given it to her now one day it will. I think I have every right to feel this way so don't just take this as an angry rant. Saying how I feel. Really feel. I really don't want to see her again. I don't want to hug her I don't want to talk to her I don't want anything to do with her, oh wait that'll be easy right since we have a FUCKING RESTRAINING ORDER. I don't understand justice right now how twisted the world is actually the people who make up the world. I know who to trust now. And I'm actually way happier without you. So don't even come near me. But that won't be so hard considering it's what YOU fucking want. Because you started all this. I know she's never gonna' read this ,but this is how I feel. But I will never say ALL this to her face ,but damn if she does one more thing I will. But you know why I won't say all that now? Because I have the logic that you lack the understanding that you never gave us. But all we gave you. Sorry but it's really too late to apologize. I feel twisted, but I want her to suffer for all this injustice. I can't even call you, "....."

Fuddruckers.

Just got back from Fudruckers. Went at 8 with Jackdizzle. Big relief seeing her. Talked on the phone for hours even though she was only suppose to be on for ten minutes. Best two days this week. Really saved the rest of the crap I've gone through these past five days. Silver lining is in the skies. Rain won't get me down.

Still worried. But I need to look to higher beings right now too keep level. I've been neglecting that. Big time. I'm losing faith ,but I know somethings there.

^Haven't worn eyeshadow in forever. You like? Aha.

Best Day Ever, This Week.

This week has been a majority, terrible. I didn't sleep one night, slept a couple hours another, and the rest left me trying to fall asleep stressed. And I'm still stressed. I thought this week would be shit ,but this day saved it. Went to California Academy of Science with Ate Grace, Kuya Jojo, CeeCee and Boogie. There was HELLA people not even exaggerating. The most people I've seen in one place ever. Every two steps you'd run into somebody. After that went to Manila Market. Yes, Dominic I didn't get run over by filipinos then Target ,but I stayed in the car the whole time then to Tita Vicks then went to Best Buy then GameStop back to BestBuy. Details take to long or because I'm exhausted.

I'm still worried not as much I don't feel like their taking this situation serious enough.

School is gonna' screw me up. I feel like an insonmiac. Whatever way it's spelled.

Oh, the one big thing. She imed two days ago. Didn't talk about because I think I came off like a bitch. I don't know why I basically shushed her off. I've missed her alot ,but for some reason I'm mad. Probably because the lack of something from her. I don't have a reason too be mad though I don't think I'm mad I'm just frustrated. It's hard to describe. Then she imed me yesterday telling me to call. I tried I did. Then I got this response. She dosen't know I know something. But right now I don't wanna' deal with it.

Fucked.

I don't even know what to say. Everything is complete bullshit. I'm scared and worried ,but I'll find peace somewhere. I find it to be a real perplexing thought of when the lamb becomes the lion. Like a wolf in sheeps clothing or to be more specific women's clothing. Deep down. I knew this would happen just not to this extent. I've lost all my trust for them and they do not deserve it.

Halfway Through.

I'm ALMOST done. Almost is key. Actually it's the bare minimum to beat the whole thing ,but at this point I'm just trying to get this over with. Break is going by fast and not as relaxing as I expected. But hey at least I could get one thing done. 

I swear sometimes I just wanna' butterknife this bitch.

Hey, New term "butter-knife this bitch"

Catchy. 

3A.M.

Just realized. That. I don't have a plan for this week. My last blogs have been so personal time to have something more light-hearted. I love that term for some reason "light-hearted". Makes me think of floaty things. My priority is too beat galaxy. . Because *SOMEONE. Keeps asking about it. Aha. And I'm not gonna' lie. Just got done playing four hours straight no joke. I think I unlocked a gazillion galaxies.  Then finish SPM and H. I'm too lazy to write out names. Although I just took time to type out the last part. Eh.

The thing about public blogs is you can't really put names so when it's involving multiple people of the same gender it gets confusing, but then again I guess if your having people read it and not want them to know who it is its better off if they don't understand. Just pondering my last blog. Still could bring up alot of Misconceptions again. But hey, if I'm gonna' look back at this mine as well be slightly revealing. Details wise. 

Sad though. I don't have anyone to tell right now about those people because of the disappearance. That's what I'll call it. Well I do. But it's never seemed to be in the norm of our relationships.

I fucking miss you. Seriously. You really know who you are. 

Push

Keep pushing me and I just may fall of the edge.

Boooy. You just keep pushing it huh? I don't know. He's really starting to get to me, even more. But I know there's someone else ,but He percieves me differently . It's too late now. but then again I know how he thinks of me the wrong way because of stupid rumors. Not really rumors. But misconceptions. A BIG misconception I just wonder what could of happened ,but then I again I know what happened. This is what happened. I just know we might of worked out ,but my life is just too screwed up for him. Although I know of all people He would understand the most. It's my fault though...I should of pushed it more. It's just hard to approach in that situation. I keep repeating myself. Just like fake bags this guy right now is a knock-off of the first. It may look good ,but it will never feel like the original.

Metamorphosis

metamorphosis [met-a-more-foss-is, -seez]

Noun

pl -ses

1. a complete change of physical form or substance

2. a complete change of character or appearance

3. Zool the change of form that accompanies transformation into an adult in certain animals, for example the butterfly or frog [Greek: transformation, frommeta after + morphē form]

I feel like that's my life right now a metamorphosis in a sense. I'm changing. For the better. At least that's what I hope. I'm understanding, seeing, believing what I've been blocking out for now. I'm facing the truth. Optimism is what I'm grasping. I'm need to open up more in these blogs. I think that's part of my change. I always put that smile on for people ,but break down all at once. When I have problems I've realized what I do. I don't like to talk about them. Then when I do I tell people all at once and make it hard for them too handle. I guess I'm the same as my Dad. We'd rather not talk about the problem 'till it gets so bad we have too. I still don't know how to balance telling people what's going on or keeping it inside. I don't think I'm being dishonest ,but at the same time just leaving my problems to myself to deal with gets to me sometimes.I guess I like to lie, to myself. When I don't talk about my problems I sort of forget what's really going on. Taking on Vices help me cope. I've realized in the past weeks what type of person I am. 

So on a less serious note. This one guy is getting to me. I don't know what the hell I'm thinking. Am I falling for him? Shit. I don't know. We have so much in common. And I told SO MANY people that I wouldn't. He's not necessarily my "Type" ,but it seems like he's getting there.  I don't know. To think about we'd really relate. In so many things. I'm being shallow. But I keep thinking I can still have those others.. Maybe if he wasn't such a okay I'll just say it, a girl. Emotionally. He's immature. Maybe he's deep and I'm calling it immature. It's possible for someone to feel so much? Do I look for unemotional guys? Fuckk.

Then the other guy. I don't even know how to feel. He's so unattached. You can't go through my friends to get to me. Imma' tell you that now. I like upfront. But I'm holding back. I just don't know how to approach.

Too much is going on. I don't even wanna' say the other thing. 

i really opened up in this one.. just hope people don't take it the wrong way.

.

i don't know what to say.

I MADE A MISTAKE.

One time I went CRAZY.

Fucking crazy.

One recording.

That one time.

I sounded like a demon bitch

BUT WHY.

BECAUSE IT'S JUSTIFIABLE.

All she did.

Worst part is.

I don't know what to say when I go to court.

I gotta' talk to my Dad.

Get my case together. 

List everything she did to us.

The court won't see it that way.

The poor disabled lady "verbally abused" by her husband and kids.

BULLSHIT.

Tito and Tita? No. 

I don't know what to call them.

I don't have respect? Your telling me that?

Have you looked at both sides. NO.

Don't even look at me at court.

EDIT: Thankyou Treee. I know I already said it.

But without you I'd be going crazy right now.

Thanks for the support. loveyou.

Silver Lining.

I'm starting to see the SilverLining in the clouds.  Many, many, many clouds. I'm behind in my work ,but at this point I don't feel it. I will soon. Math grades. Bio Grades. Ohh geez, History Grades. Just too many clouds. 

But the whole "Every cloud has a silver lining" thing I'm starting to finally get. I think these times of trials bring us closer. That one thing he said is getting to me big time. My mistake. I know I did wrong. Big Time. But I know inside I'm a good person. Really. But it dosen't seem that way.

I'm learning to appreciate my silver linings, family. REAL family.

SICK.

Tummy does NOT feel good. Not one bit. I'm dizzy. Blah

Felt like this last night didn't think it would last till' morning. 

Even better I needa' get another filling.

Great to know you care. =p

Good part of the day? Got some more Jollibee. Terrific cholesterol.

really?

i have a weakness. i know it's wrong. jacki told me it's wrong. i know she's right.

but revenge is sweet until your ass gets whooped.

wow i gotta' watch the language. 

i've been infected.

i just hope i don't fall in my own game.

February

Month of Change. Definetely. Don't have damn internet. Started yesterday came home super excited to go on Live. Then our effing modem is GONE. First she takes the cable boxes didn't hurt so much ,but the internet? You got to be kidding me. Then when I call Comcast they say that were scheduled to have everything turned off! Phone, Cable and Internet. Because of her. She thinks 'cause it's under her name that she has a right too? NO. Because dad was the one giving her checks to pay for it. So now I have to wait till' thursday for everything to get reinstalled because she scheduled for it to get disconnected on effing thursday. NO LIVE. Is what hurts the most. NO LIVE. NO LIVE. NO LIVE. I could use tita's internet and myspace shit. But no LIVE. Hurts. Sorry for capitalizing live so much. I'm just so pissed. She couldn't have just left the boxes and turn off the internet. She had to take them YESTERDAY when their turning everything off on THURSDAY. End of the long ass straw we gave her.

EDIT: ouch. too add to my pain just found out yeahh, has a girlfriend. didn't care to much. thought i didn't care to muuch. just keep on adding to my effing life. eck =[